Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR21-30/hum028

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Date:         Sat, 5 Mar 1994 07:53:58 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00028"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR028
========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 10:08:32 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      business names

Houston has many families of Czech/Moravian/Bohemian descent.  For years
one family had a business called Humpola Air Conditioning Service.  The
accent is supposed to be on the first syllable, but everyone knew the
place as hump-O-la.

An old semi-retired black gentleman in town still works a few days a week
cart- ing rubbish, when he's not prowling garage sales.  His ancient panel
truck has the name of his enterprise painted by hand on its sides, like
so:

                           W.J.  WHITE  'S
                                 TRASH
                                HAULING

I live in a mostly Spanish-speaking neighborhood and get a lot of
advertising flyers stuck in my front gate.  A recent one was promoting a
small magazine about managing the household ("hogar").  Its title, in bold
yellow-and-green- and-purple letters, was HOGARAMA.

Parked in front of a popular Lebanese restaurant the other evening was a
huge, brand new, shiny black tow truck.  On its doors, in elegant
lettering beneath a beautifully painted crown, was the business name:
ROYAL JORDANIAN WRECKER SERVICE.

Slides Wrangled ** Humidity Dispelled ** Beer Poured ** Satire Dispensed
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 13:49:51 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Junk Box <a quaint :) poem)

The Junk Box by Edgar A. Guest


My father often used to say:
"My boy don't throw a thing away:
You'll find a use for it some day."

So in a box he stored up things,
Bent nails, old washers, pipes and rings,
And bolts and nuts and rusty springs.

Despite each blemish and each flaw,
Some use for everything he saw;
With things materials, this was law.

And often when he'd work to do,
He searched the junk box through and through
And found old stuff as good as new.

And I have often thought since then,
That father did the same with men;
He knew he'd need their help again.

It seems to me he understood
That men, as well as iron and wood,
May broken be and still be good.

Despite the vices he'd display
He never threw a man away,
But kept him for another day.

A human junk box is this earth
And into it we're tossed at birth,
To wait the day we'll be of worth.

Though bent and twisted, weak of will,
And full of flaws and lacking skill,
Some service each can render still.


May be this poem is too up-lifting to be funny, but it gets a
smile and chuckle from me every time.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 14:21:21 -0400
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG but sexist

Rush Limbaugh stepped into the elevator to go to his hotel room and just
as he was punching the floor, in steps Hillary Rodham Clinton.  They start
to go up and Hillary reaches over and pushes "stop" in-between floors.
She then flings off her clothes and says "Rush!  Make me feel like a
woman!" Rush throws off his clothes.  He points to the pile of clothes and
says "OK - Fold 'em."

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 14:38:39 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quick witted

> There was a young assistant manager who was working in a produce department.
>
> One day he went up to his boss and said "Some asshole wants a half head of
> lettuce," but when he turned around that man was standing there. He quickly
> said "but that's alright, this gentleman here will take the other half."
>
> His boss was impress with the young assistant's quick wit.  He said, "We
> could use a man of your style in our Sudbury branch, how would you like
> to work there?"
>
> The assistant said in horror, "Only whores and hockey players come from
> Sudbury!"
>
> His boss quickly stated, "My wife comes from Sudbury!"
>
> The assistant quickly asks "Oh, what team did she play for?"
>
>--
>e-mail [e-mail]: Working towards a "PHOTON-FRIENDLY NET."
>Daniel C Gallant| Old programmers never die, they just change languages.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 13:52:13 CST
From:         Jim THOMPSON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Men's bathroom signs (sanitary) and ethnic slurs

Notes above the "sometimes stale" urinals:

  Whatever you eat,
    your pee ain't sweet.
  You don't have to blush,
    just give it a flush.
                          - Burma Shave

  To be fit as a fiddle,
    a man's got to piddle.


Sign above the urinals in Warsaw (or your favorite city):

  Please don't eat the big mints!


As long as we're picking on Poland:

Q:  Why are Polish and polish spelled the same?

A:  Webster didn't know shit from Shinola.


And for the Irish:

Scientists have determined that the Blarney Stone, often kissed
by the Irish for good luck, is the petrified ass of a Pollack.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 12:11:00 PST
From:         "Michael E. Frantz" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The B.C. Problem, plus confirmation of mice
commandos

Ed Johnson <[e-mail]> writes:

>WHEATON: One student had found the way to a passage above the exceptionally
>high ceiling at Wheaton's chapel, and slipped back one of the ceiling tiles.
>The industrious student had with him a box of mice, each equiped with a tiny
>parachute, that he was going to drop onto the students below. Apparently he
>was caught before the deed was done.

Soon after I shared the above with a friend in the Religion Department here,
I got this back from him which I felt MUST be shared with others:

>>About your last posting ... it is a lie.  I was at Wheaton during the 1981
>>school year ... one day in chapel, mice with parachutes "sailed" from the
>>ceiling ... actually the designer was not aeronautically inclined, and many
>>of the mice "fell" rather than sailed.  It was hilarious!

Since my post is more of a response than a humorous incident, I also
include the following, which I found typed on a wrinkled sheet of
onionskin paper in my father's desk several years ago, dated back in the
50's... the story itself is probably old as the hills, but the first time
I heard it read out loud to me I was in tears from laughing so hard.
Funnier when read in a group setting.  Enjoy.

                             THE B.C. PROBLEM

A newly married couple was looking for a house to rent out in the country.
After finding one they liked, they rented it and moved in to make their
new home.

After moving in, the young wife noticed that the bathroom didn't have a
commode, so she decided to write the owner about it.  Being extremely
timid, bashful, and modest, she hesitated about spelling out the words
"bathroom commode", so she just referred to it as the "B.C." When the
landlord got the letter, he was puzzled as to what the initials "B.C."
stood for, so finally he decided she meant Baptist Church, and he wrote to
her as follows:


Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter.  In reply, I'll say
that there is a very nice B.C. just 4 1/2 miles down the road, due east
from the house you have rented.  It will seat 200 people.  This 4 1/2 mile
distance is a little bit unfortunate, especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly, but no doubt you will still be interested to know that
many people just take their lunch and make a day of it.  They usually
arrive pretty early and stay pretty late and enjoy the fun and fellowship.
The last time my wife and I went was three years ago.  We were just a
little bit late, so we had to stand up.  This did not bother me, as I am
in the habit of standing quite a bit, but it was rather inconvenient for
my wife, as she has arthritis in both knees.

It may interest you to know that a box supper is being planned in the near
future to raise funds to plush seat the B.C.  This is a long felt need, as
some of the seats are rough and cracked, and a person likes to sit in
comfort when he meditates.

Many people resolve to attend the B.C. only at Thanksgiving, Christmas,
Easter, and Mother's Day.  It is a well known fact that people who don't
go very often don't do very much when they do go.

A very friendly usher greets you when you arrive at the B.C. and takes you
to a seat.  Many years ago when my wife and I lived in the house you all
rented, the men and women did not sit together, but now in these modern
times, family groups -- along with personal friends -- all come in and sit
together for this personal meditation.

I would like to add that it pains me very much not to go more often, but
it surely is no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow older, it seems to
be more of an effort, especially in bad weather.

In conclusion, I'll add that we hope to see you all there soon.

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 15:44:38 EDT
From:         Cathy Krusberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Caustic quote

From a novel I'm reading, _The Book of Common Dread_ by Brent
Monahan
(St. Martin's, 1993, pp. 128-29):

     I recall him referring to one foreign cabinet minister
     as an earlobe.  When I later asked him why he'd used
     the word, he said, 'Because an asshole has a function.'

(Otherwise not a hilarious book, but a very interesting take on
the existence of vampires.)


Cathy Krusberg
ckberg@uga
[e-mail]
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 16:18:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: yet another story with a moral (General)

    I like the punch-line like it is....

    Oblig. Humor:

Mrs. Quayle went to her doctor for a physical. He checked her over, head
to toe, and was saddened to discover that she had an advanced case of
crabs. He was not sure how to break the news to her, so when she asked for
his thoughts about her health, he said, "Well, you're fine...  all except
for a case of the Nixon Syndrome." The former first lady said, "The Nixon
Syndrome? What's that?".  To which the good doctor replied, "You've got
bugs in your oval orifice".

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 16:51:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: strange names

    There is a law firm here in Knoxville called:

        Knuckles & Associates

    I'd be sure to pay their fees.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 17:19:40 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.7     A collection of clean humor gather
seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book."
     --Groucho Marx  1890-1977

-----------------------------------------------------------------

10 Feb 83 WSJ reports the development of the "biobrick".  Biobricks are
being made in Beltsville, Md., and are 30% sewage sludge from the regional
sewage- treatment plant.  The principal problem seems to be overcoming a
lot of bad jokes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a
child in one month.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

         " It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation,
           and only one bad one to lose it."
                                        Benjamin Franklin

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Broadcast blooper of the week Heard on KABC radio: "This program was
brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of Terrorism...er,
Tourism"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with: "He
was a dark and stormy knight...."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a collection of Scientific and Futuristic graffiti:

Microwaves frizz your heir.
Got Mole problems?  Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 10^23.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Bumper sticker:  I'd rather be teleporting.
Biology grows on you.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Your test tube wears combat boots!
James Watt is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos.
Ecology is the study of who eats whom.
For a real sweet time, call C6 H12 O6.
     Quasars shift red
     Hot stars burn blue
     Space is warped
     And so are you.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything
     from happening all at once.
Meteorologists have warm fronts.
There's no future in time travel.
Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders
     are human and will react unpredictably when insulted.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Invest in physics, own a piece of Dirac.
Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much.
T-shirt in the 21st century:  "Disco STILL sucks!"
Wernher van Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
     "Where no man has gone before."
186,000 mps:  It isn't only a good idea; it's the law!
Radioactive cats half 18 half-lives.
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 20:58:00 PST
From:         "KEN DUNMIRE <[e-mail]>"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Impratical Joke

Roger was a great student and he loved to get away to the church camp
every summer as the younger girls were neat counselors. As a leader of
this group he admitted he loved choc brownies with a passion.  Roger and
his friends were most pleased when the cute girl counselors arrived at his
cabin with a tray of new brownies.  Roger and his friends enjoyed the
brownies that evening and the next morning on the way to breakfast roger
stoped to relieve himself.  The urine was dark green.  Roger was
sick...sleepy and confused.  Death at this early age...he walked on to
breakfast.  He choked down some breakfast...contemplating what was wrong
with his kidneys.  Oh know...he went to the john again and it was now
darker.  Death...how soon and what is it he thot as he headed to the first
aid station...  he read magazines until everyone was gone....and he
confessed to the younger nurse that something was really wrong. He need
more serious medical help.  "when I go to the...ah...bathroom...ah..." The
nurse interupted with..."How many brownies did you eat Roger?" Awkkkkkkk
someone had put a copper type element in the brownies and ......He never
ate another brownies or any other homemade gifts of food.  Roger is fine
but he still checks each morning.  He lives happily ever
after...Sorry...don't try this...on you friends, enemies or campmates
unless you are a urologist.  [e-mail]


ck,n
=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 11:23:47 PDT
From:         Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Catch Up

My internet link was down for a week, so here's some catch up
humor.

Odd Business Names:
        West Union, Iowa, mortuary: Burnam n' Wood.
        Tunjunga, Ca, Chinese restaurant: Poo Ping Palace.
                (do they serve crappy food? not really)
Odd Street Names:
        Edward Everett Horton Drive for a street that's about two car
        lengths long in Encino, Ca.  The sign almost rivals the street
        in length. EEH was the the narrator for the old Rocky and
        Bullwinkle show.

Catch Up Joke:
        Mama, Papa and Jr. Tomato were out for a walk in the park.
        The younger tomato kept dawdling and fell behind. It angered
        the father tomato that he had to keep going back and getting
        Jr.  "Quit falling behind and stay with us!", he would admonish.
        His advice went without heed, though, because Jr kept falling
        behind.  Finally, seething with anger, the father smacked Jr
        hard, splattering him all over the trail.  "Ketchup!", he
        yelled.
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 13:53:55 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ASCII picture (not fully innocent)

Years ago I received the following "picture" as a mail. Its name is

                 KISS AND ASTONISHMENT

                            |                            |
                           o/                           O
    -----------------------/     ---------------------  /
    | \                   |    /                     |--
    | o \                 |  /  o                    |
    |    >                |<                         |
    |.-/                  |  \==                     |
    |/____________________|    \ ____________________|
        /\           /\             /\          /\
       /  \         /  \           /  \        /  \

I was told that Salvador Dali draw something like that when asked
to express the theme (no warranty).
--
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 08:32:57 EDT
From:         Sammie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bad day indicator

you know it is going to be a bad day when........
your smoke alarm catches on fire.
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 09:12:26 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clinton Joke

(A joke that I heard on the radio this morning.)

President Clinton and his family went out one evening to a baseball game.
When the home team's catcher heard that the president was sitting in the
stands, he went over to Bill and whispered something in his ear.  Bill
smiled. A few minutes later, the catcher came over and said "It's time,
Mr. President." Bill lifted Hillary over his head, spun around a few
times, and flung her over the railing onto the field.  The catcher, who
looked surprised, ran over to the president and said, "You seem to have
misunderstood my request.  I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!"
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 09:20:55 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Idioms <"only" mildly amusing>

*Zany*

About 500 years old, this Italian word (zanni) was a clown who played the
part of a buffon on the Italian stage.  Starting in the 16th century the
word was applied to any simpleton or bumbling fool. More recently it has
become a positive attribute for a person who is openly sociable and
humorous.

*Pigeon English*

Whether it's spelled "pidgeon" or "pidgin," this expression has nothing to
do with birds.  It is what the traders in China called the dialect spoken
by the native attempting to talk English.  The Chinese had difficulty
saying many "r" and "l" sounds and also the word "business"--it came out
sounding something like "pigeon" and that is how this linqua franca came
to be known.  That is the French term meaning "the language of the Franks"
who were doing business in the Moslem word in the Middle Ages.

*In a pickle*

This expression goes back four or five hundred years to the Dutch saying,
"in de pekel zitten," which means to literally sit in the salt liquor used
for preserving vegetables--an uncomfortable predicament to say the very
least.  Shakespeare helped heighten its popularity when in *The Tempest*
he wrote "How cam'st thou in this pickle?"

*Gung-ho*

A term for a person who is zealous or ambitious beyond the call of duty.
The term began during World War II, as a rallying cry of the American
Marines on Guadalcanal in the Pacific. In Chinese it means "work
together."

This finishes the book which I have been using as the source for most of
my *idiom* contributions.  The book was called *Slanguage: America's
Second Language* by Gibson Carothers and James Lacey.  Published by
Sterling of New York, 1979.

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 10:47:23 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp 5-2931
<tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      20 types in Men's room (mildly offensive)

     20 types of people in the Men's room
     ************************************

 1) Excitable:          Shorts half twisted around; can't find hole, rips
                        shorts.
 2) Sociable:           Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
 3) Cross-eyed:         Looks into next urinal to see how other guy is fixed.
 4) Timid:              Can't piss if someone is watching.
 5) Indifferent:        If all urinals taken, pisses in sink.
 6) Clever:             No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on shoe
                        of the guy next to him.
 7) Worried:            Not sure where he has been lately, makes a quick
                        inspection.
 8) Frivolous:          Plays, stream up, stream down across urinals.
 9) Absent-minded:      Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish:           Pisses directly in bottom of urinal; likes to see the
                        bubbles.
11) Sneak:              Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent.
12) Patient:            Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate:          Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough:              Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient:          Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16) Fat:                Backs up and takes a blind shot, pisses on shoe.
17) Little:             Stands on box, falls in and drowns.
18) Drunk:              Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled:        Stands for awhile, gives up and walks away.
20) Conceited:          Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.


  A self-starting oscillator won't.
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 12:53:32 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cynical Physicist

Graffiti in academic science

   Down with gravity: the Earth sucks
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 12:55:00 EST
From:         BABA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      smilies (R)

These were posted or given to me some time ago.  I take no credit, myself,
and if I knew who to give credit to, I would.  Enjoy:

- -

I've devised a new type of smilie, to raise the efficieny of
communications
on the Usenet:

      :-)  -:      Smilie with an erection.
      :-) 8  -     Female.
      :-| 8( )-    Pregnant Female.
      :-(   :-     Impotent (Or let down).
      :-)   -8     Blue balls.
      ;-)  o===8   Braggart.
      :-\  8o      After a cold shower.
      ;-)   ===8   Circumcised.
      8-O  --*     Just before doubling over with pain.
      :-)  -^-:    In need of some corrective surgery.
      :-)  :-...   Taking a leak.
      :-}  -oo-:   Taking matters into hand.
      :-{  -__-:   After slamming the toilet seat.
      :-o  ^^^^:   After zipping up fly too fast.

        Now that we've seen them, let's learn how to use them:

      >> Newsgroup: alt.singles
      >>
      >> Hi.  I'm new to this group.  I'm a very well endowed guy ;-) o===8
      >> and am looking for a girl with large hooters        :-) 8   -
      >> to have wild, uninhibited sex with.             :-0==8
      >
      > Look, mister, you obviously are just some desparate geek :-)  -8
      > trying to relieve yourself over the Usenet.  I'd hate to :-O -oo-:
      > think of what would happen if someone walked in on you.  :-{ ^^^^:
      > In fact, you're probably just mastering the simplest tasks
      > of managing your "manhood".           :-)  :-....   --> :-{  -__-:

Eventually, of course, we could communicate entirely with these smilies,
and eliminate the bulky overhead of words, such as the following:

      >>> Newsgroup: alt.single
      >>>  :-) o===8  +  :-) 8  -  ?      (Proposition)
      >>   :-o  -8   --> :-o -oo-: !      (Alternative suggestion)
      >    :-o  --*               (Ooh.  That hurt)

    And, of course, Flames:

       :-( :  -    (You call those breasts? I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal)
       :-0===8     (Oh yeah?  I bet that you...)
       :-(   :-    (Not with you I don't!)

I hope that these smilies will lead to more open communications between
people on the Net.  :-) --:
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 13:15:10 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More about elephant jokes...

From 25 years ago...

Why does an elephant lie on its back with its feet sticking up in
the air?

To trip birds.
=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 13:43:35 EDT
From:         Michael Dixon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumpersticker

Here's a new bumpersticker found on a car in a Toys 'R' Us
parking lot:

           "My kid beat up your honor roll student."

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 12:28:11 PST
From:         Julia Stevens <[e-mail]>
Subject:      names

In Portland, Oregon, there is a Chinese restaurant named Hung Far Low

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 10:38:49 EST
From:         Jay Pittman
Subject:      Drunk on a tower

One evening two men were sitting in a bar on the top floor of the World
Trade Center.  Both men had been drinking for the better part of the day.
"You know", said the first man, "I heard that if a man were to jump of off
this building, the wind at this height is so strong that he wouldn't hit
the ground.  Instead, he would be blown right back up here!"

"That's a lie", exclaimed the second man.  "I don't (hic) believe that for
a second."

With that, the first man staggered to a nearby window, opened it, and
stepped out.  As his drinking buddy watched with glazed eyes, the man
plummetted toward the pavement.  And then, incredibly, he stopped falling
and began rocketing upward toward the window.  Within seconds he was
standing within the bar beside his friend.

The second man gupled down the rest of his drink and headed for the
window.  He stepped out into the air and fell toward the streets hundreds
of feet below.  He struck the pavement in a matter of seconds.

Back up in the bar, the first man doubled over with laughter as he walked
back to his barstool and ordered another drink.

Then the bartender walked up to him and said, "You know, Superman, you
sure are mean when you drink.

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 16:11:04 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Vegetarian Humor...

THE TOP 10 LIST for why people are vegetarians:
______________________________________________________________

  10)  It's against their religion.

   9)  They just like veggies better.

   8)  They'd rather kill a nice plant than a nice animal.

   7)  Their dentist accidentally removed everything
       except their molars.

   6)  They figured that millions of years of evolution
       *can* be wrong.

   5)  Science hasn't perfected growing "organic" animals yet.

   4)  They figured they'd cut out the middleman in the
       food chain.

   3)  Some of their best friends are vegetables.

   2)  Nobody told them that marijuana isn't a vegetable.

   1)  They take pride in their roots.
_____________

 "Complete freedom is like the complete lack of it;
  noise is still noise, whether randomly produced
  or by the work of 10 supercomputers..."

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 14:14:42 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      IBM personnel

> Subject: don't get involved with IBM personnel

To the young 'guys', watch out!!!

  ----- Begin Included Message -----

A woman married for the third time.  On her wedding night, she asked her
new husband to please be gentle with her, since she was a virgin.  He
looked at her strangely and asked, "How can that be when you've been
married twice before?" She replied, "My first husband was an IBM salesman,
and all he did was tell me how great it was going to be, and my second
husband was an IBM repairman and all HE ever did was run around yelling
'It'll be up in an hour!'".

  ----- End Included Message -----

=========
Date:         Fri, 20 Aug 1993 10:49:05 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.7     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Two cadets at an Arizona Airforce academy were bragging in their off time
about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to
have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better
hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a
pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumours that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was
roaming around loose in the dessert that surrounded the academy. The
contest was was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base
was the winner.

The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting down
the lion in the conventional manner. The second cadet, who was perhaps a
bit more inventive than his counterpart, secured a training jet from the
local commander, loaded the wing guns with live ammunition and headed out
over the dessert in search of the lion. It wasn't long before he spotted
it, and, from the safety of the plane, killed it. He took the plane down,
loaded the lion's body into the copilot's seat, and headed back to base,
where he promptly downed both bottles.

Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance
between two pints.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral
passing by on a road adjacent to the course.  One golfer suggests to the
others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead."
So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, one of them remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars--that person
must have been well loved," and the first golfer replies, "Yes--we would
have been married 25 years tomorrow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Feghoot was investigating a newly-discovered planet out Antares way, whose
sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of
granite.  At first, he mistook it for an immense statue left by some
vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain,
exhibiting no outward sign of life.  It has legs, but it never rises to
walk on them.  It has a mouth, but it never eats or speaks.  It has what
appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story
condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a
standstill.  Yet it lives.

This puzzled the hell out of Feghoot, who tried everything he can think of
to get some sign of life from the behemoth - in vain.  It just sat there,
motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day, frustrated beyond
endurance, Feghoot screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and
brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happens that this was the first direct question asked in the thing's
presence.  It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering
the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down
again.

"Migod", exclaimed Feghoot, "Of course!  IT ONLY STANDS TO REASON."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So, there was this farmer who had a pond in back of his house but no ducks
in the pond.  He had always wanted ducks in the pond so one day he goes
and buys a pair of tame ducks.  The ducks prospered (i.e. reproduced) and,
in fact, their number doubled evey year. Since the ducks were the
non-migrating variety after about 9 years the farm was overun with ducks.
The farmer still liked the ducks and didn't have the heart to shoot them
but the density of ducks was overwhemling. After thinking it over he
deciding he would give them to the city zoo. So he calls his neighbor down
the road, who has a truck, and says to him "Here's two dollars, if'n
you'll would take these here ducks to the zoo for me". His neighbor, who
was kinda dense by the way, scratched his head and then, after a bit of
thought, agreed. So off he drove with the ducks. After a few hours, the
guy has not returned from the city and the farmer is getting worried that
something went wrong.  So he gets in this car and drives into the city
only to see his neighbor's truck parked outside of the local movie theater
with the neighbor sitting in the cab.  So of course he asks his neighbor
what is going on and he says, "Well I still had a dollar left after taking
them to the zoo, so I though I would take them to the movies with the
remainder".

=========
Date:         Sat, 21 Aug 1993 15:33:47 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ??? Threesome..

"mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with 'once upon a time' "?
"They don't always, little one.. Your dad begins his with:

'..I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened..."

=========
Date:         Thu, 19 Aug 1993 13:14:02 +0200
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Practical Jokes
              Thu, 19 Aug 1993 11:49:24 BST

In Paris, about ten years ago, a group of students had poured 10 liters of
foam bath soap into the "Fontaines du Trocadero", huge and powerful water
fountains in front of the Eiffel Tower (on the other side of the Seine).
The firemen had to come and all the place from the Palais du Trocadero to
the Seine had to be evacuated.

Oesterlich
=========
Date:         Sun, 22 Aug 1993 08:42:01 EDT
From:         everett <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Best Ever Rum Cake

Picked up fro another listserv.

                        *Ingedients*

1 teaspoon sugar                           2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit                    2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda                            1 cup butter
2 large eggs                               1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice                        1/2 pound mixed
nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check quality.  It must be just right.
To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass
and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK all right.  Try another cup.  Open
second bottle, ifffxx necessary.

Sample rum again.

Next, sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter.  Sample rum.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.  Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.  Add
a bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find.  Wix mel.

Greese oven.  Turn cake pan to 350 degrees.  Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check rum and go to bed.

=========
Date:         Sun, 22 Aug 1993 20:59:45 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Practical jokes <a little poem ;-)>

HUMOR has recently been treated to an number of interesting and
some very funny accounts of practical jokes.  Here is a little
poem which celebrates practical jokes:

A MOST DELIGHTFUL DAY by W. S. Gilbert

A man possessed
Of common sense
Need not invest
At great expense--

It does not call
For pockets deep
These jokes are all
Extremely cheap.

No fun compares
With easy chairs
Whose seats are stuffed with needles--

Live shrimps their patience tax
When put down people's backs.

Surprising, too, what one can do with
A pint of fat black beetles--

Then sharp tin tacks
And pocket squirts--
And cobblers' wax
For ladies' skirts--

And slimy slugs
On bedroom floors--
And water jugs
On open doors--

Prepared with these cheap properties,
Amusing tricks to play
Upon a friend a man may spend
A most delightful day.
=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 10:47:38 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Astronomer's wife

The following story is said to be true:

More than two centuries ago a famous astronomer Charles Messier lived in
France.  He was a keen comet hunter, he discovered many of them. (The
astronomers know Messier's catalogue of nebulous objects which is still
used.) He had a competitor (also French) who also discovered a lot of
comets.

One night Messier could not go to his observatory as his wife was dying.
Two things happened during the night: Messier's competitor managed to
discover a new comet and Messier's wife died.

When Messier's friends got to know of the death of Mrs Messier they came
to express their sympathy to the astronomer who replied: "It is a great
loss for me. And imagine that on the top of it my wife is dead."

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 00:06:21 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      speed of light


   Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking.  One of them
   said, "Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186,000
   miles per second.  That's really fast."

   The second responded, "I'm not surprised.  It's downhill
   all the way

   ---- anonymous

Gor.
=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 00:08:42 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more on the sun

forwarded fro kenya-net:

Wazee(in addn. to gormahia@Athena--)

It is said that Dr. Prof. Gen. Alhaji Idi Amin Dada Ph.D, CBE having
conquered declared himself the conquerer of the British Empire, (and
revised the Border with Kenya) called his advisors to announce the next
assignment:

Gen. Idi: " We have conquered the British Empire, now we must conquer the
American Empire"

Advisors: " Al haji that task is impossible"

Gen. Idi: " Why?"

Advisors: " Those people have even gone to the moon!"

Gen. Idi: " Have they?, We shall go to the sun!"

Advisors: " We might get burnt"

Gen. Idi(annoyed): " You think I am stupid, we'll go at night"

(without permission from an African Party in Buffalo)

Papa Fulbe
=========
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1993 07:22:00 EDT
From: "Musat,
Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject: one liner [G]eneral audiences

so buddha walks up to this hotdog vendor and asks,
"can you make me one with everything?"

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 14:42:43 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      The Pope (might offend catholics)

When Pope Johan Paul the first died, he went of cause upstairs and knocked
the pearl-gate, and this is the story about that incident..

Gabriel: Who are you, and what is your buisness here?

P. JP. I: I am the Pope, do you not expect me ??

Gabriel: You are not on my list. Wait a moment, I'll call up the boss if
he knows..  Grabing a phone, Gabriel says: Master; there is somone called
the Pope here at the frontgate, asking to come in; do you know him ?

The Boss: Nope, but wait a minute; I'll ask junior...

In the background you hear:

The Boss: JUNIOR; do you know anyone called the Pope ??

Junior: No, try asking the spirit..

The Boss: Ghosty; do you know anybody called the Pope ??

Ghosty: Don't let him inn; Don't let him inn! He is the one telling nasty
stories about me and virgin Mary..

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 09:29:34 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sleep addiction

Many people today slide into addictive behavior without realizing it.
Only objective evidence can persuade them that they indeed have a problem.
To help with one of today's most common problems, here is a short test you
can take.

DO YOU HAVE A SLEEPING PROBLEM?

1. Have you ever experienced loss of memory for events that happened while
you were sleeping?

2. Do you ever sleep before noon?

3. Have you ever felt remorse after sleeping?

4. Have you ever told yourself, "I can get out of bed any time I want to"?

5. Do you get cranky and irritable after a few days without sleeping?

6. Have you ever spent time sleeping that you had budgeted for other
things?

7. Have you ever had a "short nap" turn into a major binge?

8. Do you ever sleep alone?

9. Do you associate with a lower class of people when you're sleeping?

10. Do you believe you can't have fun with your friends without sleeping
with them?

If you answered "yes" to two or more questions, then you may have a
sleeping problem. Let us help. We care. The next time you feel the urge to
take that first nap, we'll send over a trained volunteer to say "President
Quayle" until you're wide awake.

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 07:38:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Look before you leap

Relayed to me by my sister who found it in the Canadian Reader's Digest:

Two paramedics found an old lady lying under a bridge. She had a couple of
tiny birds tied to her ankles. When they asked her how she got there in
that condition she told them, "This budgie jumping isn't the fun they say
it is!"

In typical sister fashion she added a ps--"I hope you remembered that a
budgie is a parakeet."

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 10:54:00 EDT
From:         Jennifer Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sign at store (innuendo)

Condom-rageous, a store that sells only condoms and similar stuff here is
Georgetown (Washington, DC) has this sign on its door:

No shirt
No shoes
You got here just in time!
=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 12:48:48 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      WC Field anecdote

A Hollywood columnist once circulated an erroneous report of Fields' death
in her morning column.  The comedian called up the editor of the rag in a
rage. "I hope you noticed," he roared, "that you foul newspaper announced
my death this morning." "That I did," admitted the editor coolly. "May I
ask where you're calling from?"

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 13:29:49 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clinton and Ford's Golf Game

CLINTON AND FORD'S GOLF GAME

Vail August 20 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

While he vacationed in Colorado last week, President Clinton played golf
with former Republican President Gerald Ford. The men played at a top
secret PGA golf course in an unidentified location deep underground in the
Rocky Mountains.

The Department of Defense built this top secret golf course to withstand a
Soviet nuclear attack, so top officials in the government could play golf
in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. Studies by recreation scientists
in the Pentagon have shown that a nuclear apocalypse in the USA would
offer few opportunities for top officials to play golf. It has something
to do with radiation cooking the chromosomes of those who step outside
their bomb shelter. According to recreation scientists, this puts a severe
crimp in one's round of golf and makes it almost not worth playing.

At first, Ford and Clinton got along very well. By the second hole, they
called each other Billy and Jerry, although several times Ford became
confused and called himself Billy.

They talked about the Presidency in general and the role of the
ex-President. Ford talked freely about his activities as an ex-President.
He told Clinton about his upcoming book Jerry's Way: How I Convinced My
Wife of Her Drug Addiction By Using Headlocks and Death Grips and his new
videocassette What Every Man Should Know About a Former President's
Prostrate.

He also told Clinton about his Presidential Memorabilia Show in which he
and former Presidents Nixon, Bush, and Reagan would travel from city to
city selling their autographs for $25 a signature. In addition, they also
would sell Presidential memorabilia from their individual terms in office.
For instance, Ford bronzed the boxer shorts he wore the day he pardoned
Nixon.  He hoped to get a six figure amount for them at the show. Clinton
seemed very interested in this and said he would start saving his
underwear for his retirement. Ford called this a wise decision but said
Clinton should save the First Lady's underwear as well, for they would
bring an even higher price than Clinton's underwear, especially if they
had lace or frills.

On the 13th hole, a 525 yard par 5 (par 10 for Presidents and the Joint
Chiefs of Staff), Ford shanked his drive. His ball smashed into the trees
at the left of the tee where Clinton had just stepped to go to the
bathroom and struck Clinton in the back. After Clinton caught his breath,
he screamed, "Jesus H.  Christ! Jerry just tried to assassinate me."
Clinton's entourage of Secret Service Agents pointed their guns
immediately at Ford and his Secret Service agents and told them not to
move. Ford's Secret Service Agents ducked for cover and drew their guns.
After a tense moment, Ford surrendered when the battalion of Marines
Clinton had stationed off the fairway in the trees to find his lost balls
lobbed a couple of mortar shells over Ford's head.

With his hands in the air, Ford tried to explain to Clinton he didn't try
to assassinate him but had hit him accidently and that he accidently
whacked people all the time on the golf course. "Billy," he said. "Just
yesterday I played golf. During the follow through of a twelve foot putt
my putter slipped out of my hands, flew into the air, and hit a
groundskeeper in the head who stood in the next fairway. At this very
moment he lies brain dead in the intensive care ward of a nearby hospital,
guarded twenty-four hours day to keep aggressive surgeons lurking in the
hall from stealing his organs."

Clinton accepted Ford's explanation. He called off the Marines, his Secret
Service agents, and admonished Ford, saying under his health care reform
surgeons wouldn't need to steal organs because all Americans earning over
$250,000 would have to donate any organs they don't use.

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 14:03:39 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Sick" apple joke (short)

Hi!  Thought I'd share this oldie but goodie with you all - *smile*

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?  Finding 1/2 a worm!

(I told you it was "sick" *Smile* )

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 13:01:43 -0700
From:         Brian Rawlings <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cowgirls

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:27:45 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephant joke <CRUDE>

LOCKER-ROOM JOKE: For best results tell only to males who have
not surrendered their adolescent nature.

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of
hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg and even two
legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the
air and stand on just one.

So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to
anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs.  However,
each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to
hypnotism , but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air. Then
one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed
Reggie: "Is it true that you will pay ten thousand dollars if I make your
elephant get off all four legs?"

"Yes," Reggie said,"but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."

The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to
the car took out a metal club. He walked up to the elephant and looked him
in the eye. Then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the
elephant smack in the balls. The elephant let out a roar and flew up into
the air. (Okay to giggle).

After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was
very depressed. He'd only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he'd not
only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and
housing the elephant.

Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move
their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move side to side. So
he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to the person who
could make his elephant move the head side to side. However, each person
had to pay a hundred dollars to try.

All these people came (I am tired of typing)...Blah,blah,blah...

Then finally the same little man came, paid a hundred bucks. He returned
to his car took out his metal club.

He walked up to the elephant, "Do you remember me?" he asked.

The elephant nodded his head up and down.

"Do you want me to do it again?"

The elephant quickly shook his head ... NO. (Laugh now).

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:09:25 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.8     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were
asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Two drunks are stumbling along a railroad track which happens to go up a
mountain.  The first drunk says, "These are the lousiest steps I ever
tried to climb!" The second, who is bent over, replies, "You think that's
bad, wait till you try to hold the handrail!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Quote for the Day -- On being Well Rounded

"And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce.  Some have
a well-rounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only
Unix." - Gord Campbell, InfoAge editorial, Nov 84

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: You Deserve a Break Today San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal
observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson
v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first
time a constitutional right to chicken done right.

The high court held that under the the due process clause and the
constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph
Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at
Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable
to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."

Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq
au Vin ....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

RESPONDING TO A READER WHO COMPLAINED that his radio had been in a repair
shop for two years, the "Action Line" reporter for an Ottawa, Canada,
newspaper, \The Citizen/, claimed it had taken another area resident seven
years to have a black-and-white television set repaired.

According to the story, the set was stolen from the repair shop, then had
to be held as evidence in the thief's trial.  After it was returned to the
repair shop, the shop owner died, and while his funeral was going on,
thieves broke into the store and stole the set again.

After being recovered by the police once more(!), the TV was returned to
the original owner, who took it to another repair shop, but that business
went bankrupt, and the receivers liquidating the shop's assets sold the
set accidentally.  After being informed of their mistake, the liquidation
company bought the set back and was delivering it to its owner when it
accidentally rolled onto its face and the picture tube broke.

After a lengthy debate over responsibility for the accident, the
liquidating firm finally agreed to pay, but by then the original
manufacturer of the set had gone out of business and replacement parts
were hard to find.

Nevertheless, seven years after it first broke down, the set was finally
repaired.  However, on his way home with the TV in the trunk of his car,
the owner was struck from behind by a careening pickup truck.  The set was
demolished.  (contributed by R. J. Lemaire)

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 04:04:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OLD-MEN'S-SEX

Two old codgers were comparing their sex lives.

"How is your sex life?" said the first to the second.  "Great," answered
the second.  "A new grandchild every year."

"And you?" asked the second.

"Almost every day," said the second.  "Almost on Sunday, almost on Monday,
almost on Tuesday...."

=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 23:39:54 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      travelling salesman---slightly dirty-not obscene

A salesman who was accustomed to the better things in life because of an
elaborate expense account once found himself in the backwoods south.  He
was hot, dusty, and thirsty and needed a place to stay.

Soon he came to a motel on the side of the road.  He walked into the
office and was met by the two backwoods country boys who ran the place.
"Gentlemen", he began, "I need a clean room, a hot bath, a bottle of your
best whiskey and a woman." They two boys looked at each other, then turned
to the man, "Yes suh!!" They gave him a room which was cozy and clean.  He
was pleased, and he decided to take his hot bath.  He called to the office
and told the boys he was ready for his liquor and a woman.  They agreed to
send up the liquor right away and the woman would come (no pun intended)
in just a few minutes.  They brought their bottle of Southern Comfort to
the man who was relaxing in a steaming bath.  When they left they
panicked.  "Where in the hell we gonna get a woman now??" They then
remembered the inflatable woman that the last salesman had left.  When
they figured the man was good and "relaxed" they sent in the lifesize
inflatable doll.

The next morning as the salesman came to check out, the boys asked him how
he had enjoyed his stay.  "Well boys, I gotta tell ya.  The room was
great--the bath was hot--and the liquor did the trick.  But that woman was
something else.  I bit her in the titty, she farted and flew out the
windows backwards.  Never did see her again.

(well, I liked it when I heard it.)
=========
Date:         Mon, 23 Aug 1993 23:39:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      the 3 sisters

Here is a joke that one of my former coworkers told us last year somtime:

There were once 3 sisters that were all growing older.  They were all
sitting downstairs watching television, when one sister said,"I think I
will go upstairs & take a bath." So, she went upstairs and ran the water.
She was about to put her foot in the tub, when she said,"Oh my, am I
getting out of the tub or getting in the tub?  SISTER, SISTER, come help
me.  I can't remember what I'm doing!" So, the second sister got up to go
help the first sister.  She got to the stairs and began to climb, when she
said, "Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?  SISTER! SISTER! come
help me.  I can't remember what I'm doing!" So, the third sister, being
frustrated, said to herself, "I'm so glad I'm not like my other two
sisters, who can't remember anything.  I think I'll knock on wood." She
did and then paused and said," Was that the front door or the back door?"

---------------------------

a humorous sign:        WELCOME TO OUR OOL
                        NOTICE THERE IS NO
                        P IN IT, PLEASE HELP
                        US KEEP IT THAT WAY!
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 08:29:08 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pigs/Deer Joke

What do you get when you add 50 pigs and 50 antlered deer?

A hundred sowsand bucks.
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 15:32:13 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

There is no such thing as a not beautiful woman; what happens,
sometimes there is not enough of vodka.

-- Saul
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 07:49:54 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sperm Bank Defaults-Part 1/2

SPERM BANK DEFAULTS

San Francisco February 13 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

Today, The First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco declared itself
impotent and closed its doors. Within an hour of the closing, a crowd of
about 500 of the bank's depositors, mostly men, gathered around First
National's front door, demanding the return of their sperm deposits. They
hurled plastic bags full of 2% milk at the building and chanted over and
over "Return my sperm!" When the bank refused to open its doors, the crowd
became violent and tried to break into the bank. First National bank
managers then called the police who broke up the enraged crowd with tear
gas and saltpeter.

Samaritan Bootlick, a fertility expert from the Congress of Copious and
Gala Fertility (CCGF), says the bank's failure exemplifies the problems of
the sperm bank industry, and he predicts more sperm bank failures in the
future. He has even suggested a fertility panic, a run on sperm banks, and
the collapse of the entire sperm industry unless the federal government
intervenes.

The problems of First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco began when its
young and aggressive manager Moot Protege invested the bank's sperm
reserves in venture fertility schemes. The bank suffered incredible losses
in these high risk investments. For instance, First National lost 50,000
units of sperm in a venture to improve the efficacy of sperm by teaching
them the crawl stroke and the scissors kick. However, it failed when the
sperm could only learn to dog paddle very fast. Even though this venture
scheme cast doubt on the ability of sperm to learn anything, First
National continued to invest in such projects and lost more than 300,000
units of sperm in ventures to teach sperm things like assertive training
and dead reckoning.

The bank lost another 10,000 units of sperm in a eugenics venture called
Truth Justice and the American Way run by a company called Hot Pants
Associates. First Bank lent 10,000 units of sperm to Hot Pants, which used
them to trade for 100 units of Superman's sperm. Hot Pants intended to
inseminate American women for a fee and breed Americans that can fly.
However, this project failed because confidence men sold Hot Pants
Associates 100 units not of Superman's sperm but that of Alfred E. Newman.

The death blow came to the bank when Protege, fearing the loss of his job,
then tried to recoup the bank's sperm loss by his own fraud. He inflated
First National's sperm reserves by buying billions of units of sperm whale
sperm, depositing it in the vault, and registering it as human sperm. The
inflated sperm reserves allowed First National to borrow sperm from other
sperm banks and buy sperm on the open futures market. So long as the world
spot sperm price rose Protege could pay off the interest on the loans;
however, the world sperm price fell when the Chinese, desperate for
foreign capital, went on a crash program to gather sperm from its
population and dumped 50 billion units of sperm on the world market. The
world spot sperm price dropped 30% in a week. First National couldn't meet
its margin calls and Protege's entire scheme collapsed, forcing First
National Sperm Bank of San Francisco to close its doors.

Ironically, Samaritan Bootlick and the CCGF blame the federal government
for the sperm bank industry's problems. They believe an act of Congress,
the Ying Yang Act, laid the foundation for sperm banks to abuse
regulations and engage in speculation. Passed in the middle of the night
by Congress, the Ying Yang Act deregulated the sperm bank industry,
enabling sperm banks to extend their intercourse into risky enterprises.
Bootlick says the act favors speculation, and the Congress should reverse
it before the entire sperm industry collapses, forcing an immense federal
bailout in which every able-bodied American man will have to donate some
of his sperm to save the sperm bank industry from certain ruin.

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 16:15:39 +0200
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Elephant joke <CRUDE>
              Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:27:45 EST

From: Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of
hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg and even two
legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the
air and stand on just one.

Oh, Dear, how *dare* you tell so crude a story ?

...

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of
hand. Then he got an idea. He had never seen an elephant laugh.

So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to
anyone who could make his elephant laugh. However, each person who wanted
to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to
hypnotism , but no one could make the elephant utter a laughter, not even
raise a little smile. Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a
little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you will pay ten
thousand dollars if I make your elephant laugh ?"

"Yes," Reggie said,"but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."

The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. He asked to be alone
with the elephant for a moment. Reggie left them in the backyard.

Not one minute after that, he heard the elephant explode with hilarity. He
ran to his yard and saw his elephant lying on the ground with hysterical
laughter.

Reggie, astonished, asked the little man what he could have done to the
elephant to make him laugh : it was theoretically impossible for an
elephant to laugh. The man answered : "I told him I got a bigger dick than
his".

After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was
very depressed. He'd only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he'd not
only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and
housing the elephant.

Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He now knew that elephants could
laugh, but he was absolutely sure that they could by no mean cry. So he
announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to the person who could
make his elephant cry. However, each person had to pay a hundred dollars
to try.

All these people came (I will not type either)...Blah,blah,blah...

Then finally the same little man came, paid a hundred bucks. He asked
again to be alone with the elephant for a minute.

Shortly after, Reggie heard the elephant sobbing. He ran to his back- yard
and saw the elephant, completely depressed, crying bitter tears.

Reggie couldn't believe his eyes. He asked the little man : "Well how
COULD you do that ? Last time you told him you had a bigger dick than his,
but ..."

The man interrupted : "I showed it".
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 12:55:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another obscene elephant joke

So this mouse is walking around in the middle of nowhere when he hears a
faint cry: "help me, help me." He looks around and finally he locates the
source of the noise. There's an elephant down at the bottom of very deep
hole, and the elephant can't get out. "Won't you please help me," pleads
the elephant. "No problem," replies the mouse, "I'll be right back." A few
minutes later, he shows up with a Corvette, attaches a rope to it, lowers
the other end of the rope down to the elephant, and tows the elephant out
of the hole. "Thanks," says the elephant, "I owe you one." Several weeks
later, the elephant is walking around when he hears a cry for help. This
time it is the mouse who has fallen into a hole and can't get out. Since
the mouse had saved him, the elephant decides to save the mouse. So the
elephant straddles the hole, drops his dick down to the bottom, and lets
the mouse climb up his dick and safely out of the hole. Which just goes to
show what we all knew already: If you've got a big enough dick, you don't
need a Corvette.

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 10:15:15 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.8     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon
shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications
inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There is no statute of limitations on stupidity

The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in
dealing with people.  When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed,
"No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him
smiled sweeting.  "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied.  "Which word
didn't you understand?"

One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who try
to squeeze in front are a special sore point.  One day a young man at the
supermarket stepped up to her just as she reached the checkout counter.
"Mind if I go ahead?" he asked.  "I just have this one can of dog food."
"Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry, go right ahead!"

Sign in a restaurant: "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Scene on the rear mud-flaps of a large truck

left mud-flap                           right mud-flap

Passing Side                            Suicide
 /|                                          |\
/ ------                                ------ \
\ ------                                ------ /
 \|                                          |/
El Paso                                 El Cruncho
(spanish)                               (spanish)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Re that garbage barge that can't find a home - Heard on the radio as I
drove to work this AM "why don't we ship the garbage barge to Iran and
"accidently" sink it off their coast." OR send that barge over, put an
American flag on it and wait till THEY sink it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Re the statistics.....  The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical
argument came from the redoubtable John W. Campbell: The laws of
population growth tell us that approximately half the people who were ever
born in the history of the world are now dead.  There is therefore a 0.5
probability that this message is being read by a corpse.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze-

Take heart, America.  Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine.  It's only a mater of time before that
powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround?  High interest rates?  Increased
unemployment?  Lower productivity?  No, it's something much more
economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted
to practice law in Japan.  What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S.
ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents.  For every 100 attorneys
trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs.  In the United States, that
ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice
in Japan for the first time since 1955.  Already, an additional 20
American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open
practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys.  What better way to even our balance of trade than to send
Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 15:28:28 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>

Aunt Suzie had a running battle with Uncle Fred about his drinking.  All
too frequently he'd come home dead drunk from the local pub.  Aunt Suzie
kept telling him that he was going to sent to his grave from his heavy
drinking, and that he ought to stop.  Uncle Fred would pledge to stop, but
none of his pledges lasted more than 12 hours.  One Saturday night Uncle
Fred was brought home slung over the shoulder of Neighbor Jim--absolutely
out with having drunk so much.  This was too much for Aunt Suzie, who
talked Neighbor Jim into helping her dig a big hole in the ground and then
burying Uncle Fred up to his neck.  She told Neighbor Jim that when Uncle
Fred woke up nearly in his grave, that should be sufficient to cure him.

The next morning, Uncle Fred finally woke up.

He looked around and said "Hallelujah--It's resurrection day and I'm the
first one up!"

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 14:35:15 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quick thinking (PG)

Curtis, a teenage farm boy, was up early one morning to mend a fence on
the far side of his parents' ranch.  His mother fed him a big breakfast of
eggs and sausage and also fixed him a mid-morning snack of cheese and
crackers, which she placed in a small paper sack.

When Curtis arrived at the fence, he saw that the ground around the fence
was muddy, so he hung his tool belt on the good part of the fence and
placed the paper sack on the top of a fencepost.  He thought, "That snack
sure will taste good in a few hours." He began repairing the fence by
lifting the broken timbers.  As he did this, the whole fence shifted in
the ground, causing the paper sack to fall from the post and the contents
to tumble all over the ground.  Curtis took one look at the mess and swore
loudly, "Jesus Christ God Almighty!!"

Just as he said this, the local preacher was walking on the nearby road
and heard what the boy said.  He stormed up to Curtis, tapped him on the
shoulder and asked, "What did you just say?!?!"

Thinking quickly, Curtis replied, "Oh, uh... I said, 'My cheese and
crackers got all muddy!!'"

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 20:55:58 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cute children's humor

A mother pleaded with her twelve year old to take his little brother
fishing with him -- the kid was crying his big eyes out.  To which the
older brother responded: "But I don't want to take him along!  He always
eats the bait."


A little boy wandered into his mother's room and watched her while she
applied cold cream to her face. "What are you doing that for?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," mom said brightly and began removing it with
tissue. "Well, don't give up yet!" he exclaimed.


Okay this is a 1950's funny boner about a college student who was working
one summer selling books so he could pay for his college expenses.  He was
trying to sell books on scientific agriculture to farmers in West Texas.

This one old man thumbed through several of them. "No, I don't reckon I'll
buy them."

"You ought to buy them, sir. If you had these books, you could farm twice
as good as you do now."

"Heck, son, I don't farm half as good as I know how now."

=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 23:03:21 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Baseball joke

Background: Bobby Cox is manager of the Atlanta Braves baseball team.
They've won the National League title two in a row and have another good
team this year. They've had some trouble scoring, so about a month ago
they traded with the San Diego team for Fred McGriff who has won a couple
of battling titles. It is a understatement to say that McGriff has
improved Atlanta's offense.  Atlanta is visiting San Francisco this week
to play the Division leading Gaints.

Yesterday, a SF reporter teased Bobby Cox when asking him, "If a car
containing your wife and Fred McGriff started toppling over a thousand
foot clift, and you had the chance of saving just one of them, which would
you choose?"

To which Cox is said to have answered: "My wife couldn't hit the side of a
barn door!" :)

=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 08:32:04 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dorothy Parker favorites <poems>

INVENTORY by Dorothy Parker

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.


 BOHEMIA by Dorothy Parker

Author and actors and artists and such
Never know nothing, and never know much.
Sculptors and singers and those of their kidney
Tell their affairs from Seattle to Sydney.
Playwrights and poets and such horses' necks
Start off from anywhere, end up at sex.
Diarists, critics, and similar roe
Never say nothing, and never say no.
People Who Do things exceed my endurance;
God, for a man that solicits insurance!
=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 09:01:06 -0500
From:         Pat Meaders <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Woman-A Definition

Woman---

She's an angel in truth, a demon in fiction.
A woman's the greatest of all contradiction.
She'll scream at a cockroach and faint at a mouse,
then tackle a husband as big as a house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse.
She'll split his head open, and then be his nurse.
And when he is well and can get out of bed,
she'll pick up a teapot to throw at his head.

You fancy she's this, but you find that she's that;
for she plays like a kitten and fights like a cat.
In the evenings she will, in the mornings she won't
and you're always expecting that she does when she don't.

---author unknown
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 15:44:44 TSI
From:         Babur Saylan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two flies

(I'm sorry for my English|||) Two flies were flying. First cried
'Attention, there is a walllngggk|' Second asked 'Whattngggk?'

------

The man was too stupid that he was obliged to put out his shoes to count
to twenty

-------
Babur Saylan
Istanbul / Turkey
=========
Date:         Tue, 24 Aug 1993 14:02:53 PDT
From:         Marty 'Spiff' Kuhrt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More drinking humor (clean)

Uncle Fred and Aunt Suzie (perhaps the same couple as mentioned earlier)
were always quibbling about how much he drank.  One night she was called
by the bar that he frequented.  They asked that she come pick him up and
give him a ride home. On the way home from the bar she took a detour to a
hilltop overlooking the local brewery.  She pointed to the brewery and
said, "See, no matter how much you drink, they'll make more!" To which
Uncle Fred replied, "Yeah, but I've got'em working nights to keep up!"

=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 12:18:26 EST

From:         Jay Pittman
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephant Search Test  (part 1 of 2)

        Elephant Search Evaluation for Job Class Analysis

The Elephant Search Test (EST) is a widely accepted DOD standard test that
has been found useful in determining the level of an employee within his
or her job category.  There is but one question on the test.  It reads as
follows:

Describe how you would identify and catch an elephant in Africa.  Answers
given by professionals in various job categories appear below.

Junior Mathematician: Will attempt to prove that at least one elephant
exists before attempting to search the continent.

Senior Mathematician: Will prove the existence of at least one Africa and
leave the remainder of the problem to Junior Mathematician.

Engineer: Will catch from zoos some number of random elephants and weigh
them to get a representative weight as well as a variance.  Then he will
catch every moving thing on the continent.  Anything that comes within +/-
1000 pounds will be classified as an elephant.  Other minor differences
will be assumed to be non-relevant.

Junior Computer Scientist: Will traverse the continent beginning at the
Cape of Good Hope and proceed northward in a west to east pattern catching
all items and comparing their characteristics to a previously defined set
of elephant characteristics until some item is found that matches every
element of the set.  All data on this process will be lost, however, since
no documentation will be maintained.

Senior Computer Scientist: Same as Junior Computer Scientist except that a
known elephant will be placed in Cairo so that the search will terminate
properly.  Also, the entire episode (results included) will be documented
before it starts.

Personnel Specialist: Will send out forms to all living creatures asking
them to respond immediately if they suspect that they may be elephants.
Respondents will then be interviewed and ranked according to the
likelihood that they are indeed elephants.  None, of course, will meet all
the qualifications.

=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 11:35:00 EST
From:         "Sheila C. Tucker [phone]"<[e-mail]>
Subject:      new kind of sponge <rude>

Heard this from a bartender friend of mine.  Hope I can tell it
right:

This little boy walked in on his mother taking a bath.  "Mommy, what's
that? (Pointing to her crotch) "Oh, son, that's my sponge." The little boy
seemed satisfied with this.

Some time later, the mother had to go into the hospital for an operation
(preseumably a hysterectomy or somthing like that.  Anyway, they shaved
her pubic area).  The little boy notices that the sponge is gone and asks
what happened to it. The mother says, "Well, it's gone for now but it will
come back."

A few days later, the mother is home recuperating, and the little boy
rushes in to her and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found your sponge!  The next
door neighbor has it and she washing Daddy's face with it!

(Out of the mouths os babes....)
=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 13:15:00 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story: The ultimate software

Finally there came a day that a software genius developed an all-purpose
logic program which managed to incorporate all of the world's knowledge in
its extensive disk storage.

After installing the software successfully in the fastest processor
available, and using the processors' voice capabilities, he asked the
ultimate question:

      IS THERE A GOD?

The computer responded with:  I SHALL WORK ON THAT QUESTION

And so the computer did--for days and days--and finally responded:

      THERE IS A GOD.......NOW

=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 11:50:47 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE JOKE

This is a true story: My friend called me last night and was telling me
about her week-end.  Well, it so happens that she ended up with this guy
who has a reputation for one night stands.  She knows this and so she
decides that she'll show him.  So they go for a drive out to the lake
which is approximately 8 miles from town.  By the time they get there, he
is all worked up and can hardly wait to get in the back seat.  She tells
him to get ready by placing a blanket in the back seat and when she gets
back from the restroom then they'll get down and FUCK.  So upon her return
she asks him if he's ready to Fuck and he says yes.  So she tells him OK,
get the FUCK out of my car, you FUCKEN asshole.  You want to FUCK?  FUCK
YOU! and find a FUCKEN way home cuz I'm leaving your ass here.

(I still laugh when I think about it)
=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 15:51:17 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>

       Q.  How do Porcupines do it ?
       A.  Carefully, very carefully...

=========
Date:         Wed, 25 Aug 1993 17:13:50 PDT
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.9

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears a
black leather jacket?

A: The Leader of the Plaque

Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.

        LIVE NOW, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER

                        ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
                     BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is
the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband
quickly answered, "Election day."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?  A subordinate Claus.

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?  A dependent Claus.

Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night.  What did the elves call his daughter after that?
An incentive Claus.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;

CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING

ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)

ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the
guys gets out and goes into the office.  "I need some four-by-two's," he
says.  "You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.  The guy gets a kind
of a blank stare and scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll
go check." He goes out to the truck.  The window gets rolled down, and
there's an animated conversation.  Finally the guy comes back in.  "Yeah,"
he says, "I meant two-by-fours." "OK," says the clerk, "how long you want
'em?" The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh . . . I guess I better go
check," he says.  He goes out to the truck, again.  There's another
animated conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long
time," he says, "we're building a house".

=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 10:34:00 +0200
From:         Juraj Panko <[e-mail]>
Subject:      woman

The Woman is like the world

at 20 years she is like Africa
      semi-explored
at 30 years she is like India
      warm nature and mysterious
at 40 years she is like America
      technicaly perfect
at 50 years she is like Europe
      all in ruin
at 60 years she is like Siberia
      evryone known where it is,
      but...
      no one wants to go
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 08:54:11 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story: as I heard it told by a Catholic priest

A Catholic Priest, and former president of Gonzaga University once told
the following story to an audience of over 100 at the Brigham Young
University Home Living Center--it was a higher education conference held
around 1970.  With but one modernization--which you will recognize--the
story is essentially as told to this august audience.

A fast-track young business executive had been working quite hard and one
afternoon developed a splitting headache, sufficiently painful that he
decided to take the rest of the afternoon off.  He went home, which was an
apartment on the 12th floor of a high-rise condominium, and realized upon
reaching his door that he had left his keys at the office.  He rang the
doorbell and with no answer rang it again---and again.

After several minutes his wife opened the door.  Her hair was in disarray
and she had only her bathrobe on.  The young exec was a bit suspicious, so
he ran through the apartment looking for someone else.  There was no one
behind the living room couch, under the bed, in the walk-in closet, or in
the bathroom.  He ran into the kitchen and found no one in the pantry or
under the kitchen table.  He then looked over the kitchen balcony, and
there, 12 stories below on a patio, was a man slipping on a shirt.
Immediately concluding that he had discovered the guilty party, the young
exec went berserk, grabbed the refrigerator and, heaving and shoving,
managed to dump the refrigerator over the balcony railing.

The stress was so great that the young exec had a heart attack and died.
He wafted his way to the pearly gates and there met ST. Peter who
commented that he seemed to be quite young for his arrival and wondered
why he was there.  The young exec told his story, and St. Peter replied
that it was a terrible thing that he had done, but that since he had done
it in a fit of unreasoning rage there would be some forgiveness and that
therefore he could enter heaven at about level 7.

A moment or two later a second young man appeared at the pearly gates, and
upon a similar query from St. Peter explained that he didn't know exactly
what happened.  He had been resting in a hammock on a patio of a high rise
condominium, realized that it was 3:30 and that he was working the 4 to 12
shift, leapt out of the hammock to put his shirt on and then, sensing a
shadow and hearing a shout, looked up just in time to see that some nut
had pushed a refrigerator over a balcony railing.  Not having time to
move, he was dispatched to the pearly gates.  St. Peter, feeling sorry for
the young man, and recognizing that he had lived a good life, told him he
could enter at heaven at level 2.

No sooner had the young man left than President Clinton showed up.
Incredulous, St. Peter pointed out that he hadn't expected the President
for some years yet, and asked how he had managed to arrive so soon.

President Clinton responded--To tell you the truth, I don't know what
happened.  There I was, sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own
business....

=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 15:07:12 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Intercourse

Lecturer: "Today we are discussing sexual intercourse. There are
sixty different ways of achieving sexual intercourse".
Voice from the back: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "There are sixty known different ways ..."
Same voice again: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "Despite the gentleman at the back, there are sixty
different ways known to the medical profession, the first of
which
being man on top of woman".
Voice from the back: "Sixty six!"
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 10:00:52 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I could care less <poetry>

If I should learn by Edna St. Vincent Millay


If I should learn, in some quite causal way,
That you were gone, not to return again--
Read from the back-page of a paper, say,
Held by a neighbor in a subway train,
How at the corner of this avenue
And such a street (so are the papers filled)
A hurrying man, who happened to be you,
At noon today had happened to be killed,
I should not cry aloud--I could not cry
Aloud, or wring my hands in such a place--
I should but watch the station lights rush by
With a more careful interest on my face;
Or raise my eyes and read with greater care
Where to store furs and how to treat the hair.
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 10:18:20 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Puzzle joke

I received an interesting contribution from a friend of our list.
She claims this is her favorite joke (and it is a good one).

Q  What goes ha, ha, ha, thump?
A  A man laughing his head off!

Thump!

=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 09:31:07 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.9

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In the days of the knights, a midget told his king that he, too, wanted to
be a knight.  Too small, said the king.  But the determined midget went
about the kingdom, catching highwaymen and rescuing maidens, until the
news got back to the king.  "All right," said the king.  "I dub thee
knight." Special miniature armor was hammered out for him.  A galley knife
was honed into a sword.  But no horse little enough was found.  So the
king substituted a large shaggy dog.  And the midget went forth again to
do good.  A terrible rainstorm came up.  The midget rode to a nearby inn.
But the innkeeper said there was no more room.  The midget pointed out how
little space he'd take up.  The innkeeper looked him over, and his mount,
too, both soaked to the skin, and finally said, "Come on in.  We'll find a
spot for you.  I couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race"
--Bowie.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From the San Jose Mercury News, Sunday 14 July 1985, page 23A, referring
to arson investigations:

On highly publicized cases, it's not unusual for tips to arrive from all
over the country.  "People call in and tell us about one individual they
don't like.  They say, 'He's the type who could have done it.' A couple
hundred of those and you're chasing people all over the country," Bressler
said.

In one case, he was flooded with calls from "people back in the Midwest
who knew people in California who were really weird."

It wasn't the kind of tip that led anywhere, he said.  "Almost all of
California's really weird compared to the Midwest."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.

A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being one.

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.

Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.

There would be a lot more work done if we weren't living in such a
clock-eyed world.
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 12:34:37 EDT
From:         Guy Montgomery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stupid Sound Jokes

OK,

In the vein of the Ha Ha Ha Thump joke:

Q. What goes 99 thump.
A. A centipede with a wooden leg

=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 12:43:34 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Collection of rude jokes

Two guys were sitting at a bar talking about their wives.  "My old lady is
so ugly," one said, "that the beauty parlor told her there was nothing
more they could do."

"You think that's bad?" the other man asked. "I took my wife to a plastic
surgeon and asked him what he could do to make my wife look better.  The
only thing he could think of was adding a tail."

---

Question: Why did the hillbilly walk his kid to elementary school every
day?

Answer: They were in the same grade.

---

The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the
royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in
Lexington, Kentucky.

When they get there, they decide to go for a ride.  They're just pulling
out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" - out
comes a monstrous fart.

The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"

Reagan says, "You shouldn't be!  I thought it was the horse!"

---

A little old lady walks into a drugstore and says to the kid behind the
counter, "Excuse me, have you got cotton balls?"

He says, "What do I look like, lady?  A rag doll?"

---

Question: What's the difference between a rich girl and a puppy?

Answer: The puppy stops whining after a few weeks.

---

I don't giggle at jokes, I laugh at HUMOR

=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 10:17:11 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      micros**t

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just declare the burned-out bulb to be the standard.
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 13:28:03 EST
From:         Jay Pittman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Elephant Search Test   <part 2 of 2>

continued............

Politician: Will immediately propose a law requiring a yearly census of
each item on the continent and a committee will be formed to evaluate the
results of the survey and to propose follow-up legislation.

Chinese Politician: Will kill every living thing on the continent and then
claim that no elephants have ever existed there and that everything that
does remain there is happy and doesn't want any more attention.  Will then
apply to USA for most favored nation status based on services rendered in
Africa.

Statistician: Will determine the probability of finding an elephant on any
given attempt and will quickly decide that it is not worth the effort to
try to find one.

Administrative Chairman: Will honest to God try his damnedest to get to
Africa to catch whatever it is that he is supposed to look for, but will
probably be unable to get there due to his schedule.  If he ever gets
there he will search with all his might and with all of the latest gear to
find anything, but his staff will keep all elephants safely out of sight
and lead him instead to a banquet prepared in his honor.

Administrative Staff: Does not want to see any damned elephants or go to
Africa.  Will assure chairman that no elephants exist and that even if one
did exist, he, the chairman, should not worry about it.  Once in Africa,
the staff will stick close to the chairman and scare all the elephants
away and assure everyone that no elephants are present.  If the chairman
happens to see one they will assure him that he, in fact, saw nothing of
the sort and that he will receive a full report on the matter first thing
Monday morning.

Lawyer: Will immediately move to have the matter dropped and insist on
being paid for his trouble.

ACLU Lawyer: Unfortunately, due to a federal injunction, no information
can be made available concerning this answer since we are currently being
sued for coming up with this test.  (But you get the idea.)

Mayor of Washington, DC: Will eagerly jump at the chance to meet any
creature with a snorting tube already attached to its nostrils.

Secretary: Will call around until one is eventually found in the building,
thereby relieving everyone else of having to look for it.  Will then make
copies of the animal and distribute one to everyone.  Extra copies will be
filed away for later use.

<additional responses are encouraged>
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 11:51:35 CST
From:         Fernando Davila Nieto <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Paradise joke (clean)

When God created Adam, he asked him for the perfect companion:
Somebody intelligent, nice, sexy, funny ... etc.
-"Of course I can do it" God replies, "but it will cost you
one leg and one arm"
- Hmmm ... and what can I get for one rib ?


Saludos
Fernando Davila
=========
Date:         Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:15:18 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      IBM Jokes

In a previous message, [e-mail] said:
>
> Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A: None. They just declare the burned-out bulb to be the standard.
>

IBM was selling T-shirts at PC-Expo in New York City last June, with the
OS/2 logo on one side and the words "Nice Try" on the other.  (Picking on
MicroSoft Windows NT.) At the "Great Operating Systems Debate" seminar
there, the IBM representative kept referring to Windows NT as the
"NinTendo" operating system.

Being a PC-UNIX user, I'll pick on both sides. Here's some IBM humor to
balance the discussion.

The remainder of this document is classified "IBM External Use Only"...

Q: What is IBM's idea of a man-year?
A: 730 programmers rushing to complete the next release of OS/2
before lunch.

Q: How many IBM mainframe programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.

Political cartoon in newspaper recently: A drawing of a large, empty
building in the evening with a big "IBM" sign on it. The caption said,
"Will the last person to leave please remember to sign off the computer."

Quote from unknown source: "In every organization, there is one person who
knows what's going on.  This person must be fired." With their recent
layoffs, IBM could adopt this as their new corporate motto.

IBM acronyms:

     Intergalactic Big Mystery   (Competitors wondering why they're still
                                  in business, or anyone trying to figure
                                  out how their products work.)
     Itsy Bitsy Morons           (About management by employees.)
     I've Been Moved             (Relocated personnel.)


Anyone else have any IBM or MicroSoft humor to add?

(The opinions expressed in this document are totally my own, and in no way
represent the opinions of my employer, who doesn't want them anyway.)

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